Disasters Are Okay

I'm fucking it up with my friend.

I love michelle, kimmie, kimberly, maritza, val, and everyone who has been there me.

I'm sorry I'm such a screw up.
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    Letting Up Despite Great Faults

My Life.

These past few days have been the most hectic. As many of you may or may not know, I got kicked out of my house. I take full responsibility for what I did, but, in effect, I'm not coming home either. As much as my mom is hurting on the inside for what she did, as well as I am for what I did; I can't.

I've been going from my boyfriend's house to my best friend's house, because those are the few places where I feel safe and somewhat complacent. I don't know what my future holds for me. I'm homeless, I don't have a job, I have $2,000 dollars to my name [and that's just college money], & I'm lost within my own self.

It's very disillusioning when you go along your life thinking you have the best of friends, because you surround yourself with whom you think are those who will always be there for you; but in the end, you have nobody. Unlike me, I had few friends who were there for me and still remain to be there for me. My longest, oldest friends. No one else looked for me, no one else really bothered for me, and, after a week of me gone, I was forgotten. I guess I'm a lost cause to them now. I know-I know I haven't been the greatest friend either, but I kept up the best that I could even with the surrounding circumstances, of which many refer to as my boyfriend, but that's not something for me to discuss now and with any of you but he and I. Still, I feel really hurt.

I know, I fucked up; I know, I'm a screw up; I know, I've been hurting myself; but I've finally come to the realization that in I need to grow up and become something, better said someone. I realize that I can't save the world, I can only save myself right now. I try and try to help the ones I love, but what is the use if they don't want to help themselves. I can't save the world. I can't. I can barely save myself.

I don't blame anybody but myself for what has happened. I wouldn't even blame any of you, who are reading this, if you decide to never speak to me again. If you judge me for any of what I have done, go ahead. There is really no way to hurt me as much as I am now.

I hate that I feel this way, useless & minimal, but it's how I feel. I can't hate that I'm crying, because I can't control that.

I just want to be happy. I just want to be happy, I really do.